Someday the Dream will end

(Free Hang-out passes to whoever who gets the Final Fantasy X reference)

The sun is setting now as I'm typing here. The entire sky is set in various shades of azure, gold and amber, and clouds shaped in curls absorbing the colours. A majestic sight, although not as breath-taking nor as impressive as those that you see on posters, I like it all the same.

I've just finished Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami. The usual Murakami plots, with ridiculous events like talking cats and seemingly random events crawling towards each other for a grand conclusion with a little saucy sexual episodes in between (Haha, I guess he can't break away from his Japanese blood). Somehow after reading this book, I'm left in a state of neutrality. It's somewhat alike being reborn (except I've never done that, there aren't any phoenix downs). I'm a fresh sheet of paper, my eyes have been set anew and the world seems like an entirely new place. This must be the power of good books (I can't imagine feeling like that after reading Twilight, it would probably give me mental diarrhea). It would probably not last past this night, and I would revert back into the old conceited cynical scumbag of a human being. I can feel the old self creeping back, settling himself on me already. It was great while it lasted. A total point of nothingness, I might say. Makes me want to become a monk in order to live like that.

Random point: some old dude came up to me while I was reading under some void deck near my house and started talking to me about getting energy from drinks, its benefits and where I can get them. I suspected that he was just a little crazy, but I guess that he was just a lonely old man who wanted to talk to someone. And I probably looked like I was about to collapse from sheer exhaustion (my eyes are just small, kay).

I think accepting things for what they are is an important thing in life. Shit happens all the time, and my insecurities never seem to stop to leave me alone, constantly finding an opening for a cheap shot. It started from the almost neurotic fear of death while I was younger, and now in my late teens the fear of living. I hope the fears go away as natural as how it did earlier. However now I accept the fears and not let it take control of my actions. Some call it ignorance, others call it courage. I choose to accept it as a whole, take it for all it is and move along.

I've lost track of time these days. Might be a sign of dementia, along with the failing memory. Not being constrained by time feels really different. It's probably true freedom, letting go of a concept that only bears meaning to its beholder. A very liberating feeling, and I could understand why people are willing to die for the sake of it.

Yes, someday the dream will end. Much like the dropping of the curtains after a fantastic play. Accepting the fact would be easier on yourself.

All I need to be happy is tasty food, chilled water, a little love and something to chase

I would like a periodical high-inducing dosage of substances too.

I met this nice woman named Shayla (Did I get the name right?) outside Tempines Mall today. She asked me what I was smoking (Stormking lulz) and she had some Drum Ang Hoon (Yes! Another fellow roller). She was kind enough to let me try some of her shitz and I must say, it's pretty damned good-stuff. We talked about stuff that I can't exactly remember clearly (Fuck you scatterbrain) but it was enjoyable. She's right about Singaporeans being socially awkward and reserved, with them staring at her all the time rolling her joint and just...continue gawking. Probably cultural influences and upbringing. This is why I like western and westernized people (Bananas) more. They don't give you the "Why-the-fuck-are-you-talking-to-me-you-want-something-from-me-right?" look and are just so damned nice.

I'm getting better at DM now. I would like to thank the workouts for increased stamina, the Japan trip, RSD and other various influences that remind me to not be complacent and my sticks, some of which have been broken and most which have flew out of my hands often. I'm going to hit 1.3k SP. It's just a matter of time.

Be open-minded and laugh out loud! - Engraving on a keychain from Yokohama's 150th port opening anniversary

Kung-Fu is hard stuff, harder than hair management

So I sparred with Jun and Deon today, and it hurts despite wearing gloves. But it was pretty fun somehow, although the passer-by would think that some serious shit has hit the fan. Things happen with the blink of the eye, and within a flurry, three or four punches would have flew into you. I managed to injure myself (again, somehow I seem to have the talent to get all sorts of weird injuries in the oddest ways) and this time, I hurt my thumb. I accidentally rammed its base into an elbow. Twice. And now I can't move it much without hurting. When I think of all the things I'm going to miss if I lose my RIGHT thumb, from twiddling of controllers to not being able to grope body parts, I actually fear losing it. Such is man, never appreciates until it is taken away.

I'm intending to cut my hair. Yes, after two years, I think it's about time that I cut it off. Long hair has been a massive target for relatives to shoot verbal bullets to, and a real bitch to maintain. I have to deal with fritz, extensive effort to wash, occasional visual obstruction and one hell of an oven. Now I can understand slightly on why women spend so much time grooming themselves. Maintenance is a huge burden, financially and physically. I feel your pain, sisters. Not anymore after Tuesday, but I'll remember how it was like.

There's a reason why you capitalize the word 'I'

Because you are the most important asset to your life. Think about it, when you die, everything is gone. Boom. Your achievements to your sorrows, vanishing in an instant. This is why you should place yourself above everything else - it's called survival.

I, however think that there is a certain limit to how much this principle can be applied. It's not a rule to stick by, it's more like a signpost to point in a direction (Kudos to Tyler from RSD for the analogy). However far you want to go, it's all up to you. Ayn Rand over-exaggerated self-priority in Fountainhead; Howard Roark is a man's man who doesn't give a shit what everyone else thinks, in fact, he doesn't bother to think about it. A self-centered individualist as contrasted to the selfless mob-leader Ellsworth Toohey,
who would kill himself for the sake of others. There is no right or wrong side, it's just that I choose to align myself toward Howard's path. I've been downtrodden and made to seek comfort in others before, it's time to place myself in front. This includes self-respect.

I have undermined the importance of self-respect. I have an inherent lack of it, although I am not excluding the possibility of it being the result of self-defense. Now I understand what the PUAs have been harping on all the time. When AFCs put the female on a imaginary pedestal, what they are actually showing is the lack of confidence, or what I would say self-respect. Give yourself some credit and kick that bitch off that imaginary platform of yours and put yourself on it. If you cannot respect yourself, you cannot command respect from others.

To say "I love you" one has to know how to say the first 'I' - Howard Roark, the Fountainhead